Monday, 27 August 2012

A whisper, screamed


Okay, so here is a short (500) 'ghost' story I've just completed.  I don't normally write this kind of stuff, so it may well be dreadful!  It's for a writer's competition, saw it and thought I'd give it a go.

It's set in the catacombs of Paris, and is loosely based on the 'man gets lost in the catacombs of Paris' video (links at the bottom of the page), which is well worth a look...v spooky but undecided if it's genuine or not.  The catacombs are real passageways under the Paris city, which were used mainly in the 18th Century as a storage for dead bodies(!)  There's a relatively small section which is open to the general public, but most of it is unmarked and illegal to enter...however 'cataphiles' (yes, really) often find ways down there to explore and map out the vast network.

Anyway, thought it would make an interesting setting for a ghost story.  Here's my take on it:

                          A whisper, screamed


The poor sap in the rucksack was lost, no doubt about that. They'd been watching him for hours; noticing the slow prickle of desperation overtake him some kind of cancerous sweat. His pupils were stretched open, forcibly pulling in the empty blackness around him as he staggered from one dead end to the other.  A tiny passage out of the bowls of catacombs and into the black Parisian air was but two hundred metres away, not that the man in the rucksack knew. It could be hours.

They watched as he steadied himself against the dank sides of the left-hand passageway, their dead mouths exhaling icy ether against the pallor of his face. Hands shaking, he removed the rucksack from his back, forcibly tearing at the zip and pulling at the bag's insides.  What did he hope to find?  Whatever it was, they doubted it would help him.  Not now.  Hope was a far more precious thing down here than any kind of possession, and that had slowly bled into the darkness hours ago.

Still curious, they encircled him, eager to see what the man was so desperate for. He stopped. Eyes bulging, his throat tightened like the crack of a noose: something was there. He stood alone in the silence, until fear finally left his mouth. "Hel-lo? Is anyone there? HELLO?" The voice that he once knew to be his own echoed down the passageways, unfolding and scattering into nothing; reminding him shard-like that nothing existed down there, save for his own empty fear and desperation. The worst kind of company.

They stepped back, letting the man with the bad friends rip the insides out of his rucksack. They watched, mouths mortified, as he finally revealed the entrails of his search: a rudimentary map; palm-sized and dirty as a secret. 'Les Passages du Mort': The Death Trail. The eyes peeled back even further, his pupils desperately cloying at the discordant shapes and letters bubbling centimetres in front of his face.

Slowly, a tear left his eye and trickled down the right of his face, friendless and resigned. He would never work it out. The map was bound up by the subsuming nothingness; undecipherable and useless. It left his hands and dropped silently to the ground. 

Inside the warm cavern of his skull, he felt his mind begin to pop.

The claustrophobia of silence began to be replaced by an incessant chatter of humans; a noise water-falling down the passages, until the tendrils of its insanity seemed to grip his throat with such a force that he thought he might pass out. A choking of all logic. They could only watch on, as he left himself and slowly became one of them; the rotting thought of helplessness taking over every fibre of his body.   
 
And in those final moments, he screamed a whisper as his mind blew in.  He ran, suddenly and uncontrollably, disappearing into the labyrinth of darkness forever.  

No-one, except the dead souls of the Parisian Catacombs, would ever see him again.

'Den of Geek' - Ghost story competition                   
Video on youTube of lost man in Parisian catacombs

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

The Scales of Justice

The 'Bloated Elephant' symbol had to be wrong 
Two weeks ago, after several months of bad food, mindless drink and mind-numbing TV (I have yet to watch Jeremy Kyle pissed up with a burger and fries...although having just written that down it does actually sound like something quite rewarding) - I decided that enough was enough, and that the only way to rescue my mortal body was to do something completely foreign to me; actually exercise. This was a shock.

In past I have run two Leicester half marathons and one Lincoln 10k, yet despite this, the last time I actually went to the local gym - which I pay monthly and wilfully like some kind of capitalist zombie, I might add - was early March; a full, soul crushing 5 months ago. It was time to hit the road.

As of today, I have now run a total of 42 miles, burnt almost 6000 calories... and put on 3 pounds. Although this did make me - just momentarily - want to brutally punch the scales, Van-Damme style, into its smug, uncompromisingly-bleak face, I was quickly relieved to find out that my body fat had also apparently rocketed down from 20% last week, to 15.9% today. That's the beautiful thing about scales; just like the old adage that Murray's a Scott when he loses, and a Brit when he wins, so to do we mistrust the scales when the news is bad ('Ive put on FIVE pounds?! The fucking batteries have gone again!') or treat it as some kind of oracle when it's good ('Ive lost two pounds this week - I KNEW I was feeling slimmer. Glad I got those new batteries for the scales). So in this instance I'm inclined to agree with my new BBF and say that I have lost weight, even though I know it's damn near impossible to lose that amount of fat in a little over a week. 

How do you like them apples, RunKeeper?
As an aside, I've always thought that a great Dragons Den invention would be a set of talking digital scales.  Bear with me. They'd be called 'The Scales of Justice' (see what I did there) and would have a special button / switch... As the slightly desperate fatty, you would first enter your key stats and weight goals into the scales (or online - it could be a wifi version that linked up to a website ;) then - and here's the clever part - you could decide whether to switch the special button to either the 'harsh', or 'heavenly' setting.

If you choose the Harsh setting, it would degrade you loudly and brutally if you didn't reach your daily / weekly / monthly target ('You idiot - stop stuffing your face and get back down the gym. You haven't tried hard enough this week!') Or, if you were feeling a little more delicate and chose the Heavenly setting, it would instead comfort and support you ('Not quite there yet mate - keep working at it! Just a little harder next week!).  

There could of course also be a neutral option which just stated the facts. Similarly, you could have a series of celebrity options (just imagine the Schwarzenegger version on Harsh - 'You son of a bitch!' or - far more satisfyingly - 'I live to see you eat that contract...but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!') There could also be a kids-friendly version (Dick and Dom anyone?!) or indeed an X-rated, truly foul mouthed version (I'll leave you to make up your own examples here). The possibilities are indeed endless: remember -you heard it here first.

So, anyway, over the two weeks of my newly found fitness regime, I have had the opportunity to do a little listening to some classic  (Blur - The Great Escape) and some less-than-classic albums (Now 79 springs to mind), as well as musing on the general highs and lows of getting back on the road.  Here's some thoughts on it all so far:

  • Running without music is soul-drainingly shit.  Don't bother.
  • Running with only one headphone working is still better than running without any music.  Although the fact that you can still hear the general public out of one ear does make you wish that all those years of listening to 'Use Your Illusion' on full blast had actually given you tinnitus.
  • There is nothing more guaranteed to make you a smug bastard than running down a large hill towards the end of your run as you cross the person running up it, at the beginning of theirs.
  • The opposite is also true.
  • One time when I was running, a man shouted 'WOOOO!' aggressively out of the car window at me.  He was both fat and bald.  Correlation?
  • There is no known smell more likely to induce a cacophony of epileptic fit-like gagging and coughing than that of cut wet grass mixed with dog shit.  I defy you to find one. 
  • 90s Dance music is officially the greatest music ever.  Also, it's quite good to run to.
The half-marathon is on the 14th October this year... that's 60 days, 10 hours, 8 minutes and 30 seconds (or so RunKeeper tells me). Expect another update in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I will be continuing to write the dreaded Masters Report, scaling Oadby's many delightful hills, and finding some raw materials to build The Scales of Justice. 

Anyone know Arnie's number?    

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Unpacking Boxes

It has been a long time since I last wrote anything even resembling a blog post.  In fact, according this blog's stats, a whole year and a quarter. That's a long time, even by my slacker standards. The truth is, although I studied my degree in Journalism (from the now almost Top fifty Times recommended University of Lincoln!), and have always held a passion in writing, that it's dwindled considerably over the past few years.

The reason is simple: life.  That curious notion that, - slightly misquoting John Lennon here, 'life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'. I'm inclined to agree: none of us go through life deliberately sidelining the things that make us happy, that speak in some way of who we are - it just happens like that; slowly and often imperceptibly. The deeper into the coma of life we go, the less we remember what made us glad to be alive in the first place.  That's not to say that the coma isn't great whilst we're in it, only that it takes some people a lot of time and effort to wake up and come out of it; some never do.  I guess it's called apathy, and we're all guilty of it.

In truth, whilst I've had some genuine great moments over the past few years (Greatest Hits tracks might include: 1) What - He's a Teacher?! 2) Mrs Thomas and Married Life 3) Snakes and Ladders on the Salary Scale 4) Settled with a Pet 5) Mastering It 6) Socialising and the Glorious Art of the Friday Night Piss Up, etc) I've also sidelined a lot of what makes me truly happy at the same time. 

I used to love travelling and would take any opportunity to travel the big wide world, but time and money slowly got in the way.  I guess part of it was also the mentality of the 'settled man'; an almost daily affirmation that I was done with that, that it was time to grow up - settle down and plant my roots. Nothing wrong with that of course, and planting my roots in Leicester over the past four years has been deeply rewarding. But a traveller isn't a noun, it's a verb: it's something deep within us that makes want (need) to do it; to seek out and live it.  A traveller who doesn't travel is a wheel in a shed; nothing more.  I've always thought part of the draw of travelling is re-capturing that child-like feeling of exploration we all have when we're young: that sensory over-load where everything is new - every sight, sound, taste and smell hitting us at a million miles an hour, driving the neuronal pathways in our brains. It's why, I think, people say that travelling opens our minds: it literally creates new pathways in our brains. I miss it.

Along with travelling and writing (ok, I've written a few academic bits and pieces for my nearly-complete(!) MA, but there's only so many times you can write 'pseudo-intelligent quote, by Random Academic 2012: 99' without feeling somewhat creatively blunted), I've slowly let the fitness and the love of music slide - both in the enjoyment of new albums, and playing my own (I use the term loosely) instruments. At one stage, I played the bass / guitar every day, if only for 5 minutes.  Recently, its been once a month or two if I'm lucky. Hell, as you probably already know, I was once in the mighty 'Mangasm' (more on that in a later blog).

So, I've come to a point in my life where I've started to realise that a lot of what I've put into the box of 'been there, done that; move on' and packed away hasn't been simply what I was, it's who I am. So I'm starting to unpack it and dust it off again. In the same way, other things that I've become a tad over-reliant on (booze and junk food) aren't making me happy anymore, and haven't for a while. That's not an admission that I have some kind of problem, or that I will never stuff my face with an extra large Papa John's Pizza or taste the sheer joy of that thrist-quenching friend Old Mr Fosters; only that I've  recognised that the balance of enjoying such delights needs redressing slightly at the moment. 

So over the coming weeks, I'm going to attempt to update this blog much more regularly and also start to enjoy those things I've sidelined in recent times. A friend of mine recently introduced me to the pioneer of 'Gonzo Journalism', Hunter S Thomson.  I should probably explain - gonzo journalism takes on the idea that the journalist doesn't simply write about a chosen topic; rather that they 'live' it in order to truly understand it and give it meaning. In this way, the writer becomes the event and relays it back to their audience in a way that a passive writer could never do.  It occurred to me that I've done quite a few things in my life (chased off an island by monkeys in Thailand, trained as a teacher, been in a band, ran a half marathon), and that perhaps I should write about it, gonzo journalistic style. In fact, maybe that's what I've been doing unwittingly all along: eating up new experiences in hungry journalistic way.  The only difference, of course (and I admit it's quite an important one) is that I haven't written about it...yet.  Expect some blogs on such over the coming weeks. 

Finally, if you are reading this and wondering 'whatever happened to Mangasm? They should make a glorious comeback!' (you aren't, but humour me for a minute) then you will be pleased to hear that, after 6 full years of band-hiatus and a couple of chats here and there, it appears that the lead singer, Mr Shane Edward Gostelow, and Rhythm extraordinaire Steve Sands are keen to get back on board, at the very least for a few 'old time' jams.  Indeed, I have very recently written the guitar, bass and chorus lyrics to a possible (whisper it) Mangasm comeback song, called - in true Mangasm style - Academic Lesbian (I knew there was a reason that I still haven't finished that report)...Perhaps never did one sentence inspire so much joy and concern in equal measure.  In the meantime, watch this space.  Dan.