As it Was

This will probably not be the finest piece of writing I've ever done.  I have a habit of writing and re writing sentences to make them 'perfect' but then spend so long on the process that I end up never getting to the outcome.  Life is very often like this too; trying to write and reframe everything but then never really getting to the messy truth.  So this will be my relatively unedited, messy truth.

This blog is about my dad.  It's also about me and it's about family and it's about trying to distil a very strange few years into something that vaguely makes sense.  So much of the last few years has made such little sense that in some ways, I don't really know where to start.  We've all experienced the Covid lockdowns; many of us have lost love ones and certainly I am not the only one that feels that we never really returned to 'normal' after that... not in a physical sense, but psychologically: we are not who we were.

Certainly, I am not who I was.  I am a sucker for looking back at events and comparing myself and situations anyway, so I am and have always been susceptible to wearing rose tinted spectacles; and yet... and yet.  I do feel different.  I feel older.  I feel more vulnerable. I feel generally more disconnected.  I look into the eyes of pictures of photos not long before the first lockdown and don't just feel like I'm different... I am different.  There is pre-Covid and post-Covid and they're two different timelines as far as I'm concerned; two different trajectories.  Somewhere in the middle of all the lockdowns and fear and bullshit something left and I am not sure how to get it back.  What is it I want to get back anyway?  I am not sure I fully know the answer to that question, but I do know that it is routed in wanting to be 'free' again. Or carefree maybe.  Or a lightness of being.

*

Last year, as anyone reading this blog will know, I lost my dad.  Grief is a fellow I've had to begrudgingly shake hands with before, but never before embrace...  Maybe, 'consume' is a more effective word, actually.  People often talk about being 'consumed' by grief but they have this the wrong way round: you consume the grief.

My relationship with my dad was complicated, and at times fractious.  As a young kid growing up, I struggled to connect to my dad and I think in many ways, he struggled to connect to me too.  I mean, he was 26 when he and my mum had me for Christ's sakes.  At 26 I was still in post-uni mode, pratting around for a job and thinking the world owed me something.  I cannot imagine being a dad at that age and if I had I would either have had to grow up very fast or else I would have been terrible.  At 38, I still am too selfish at times - never mind at 26.  But yeah; we struggled to connect.  

In his mid to late '20s, my dad had me and he also had a high-flying family business to take care of and be a part of.  I won't get into the details here, but for a while it consumed him too and the long and short of it was that for a large part of my early (0 - 7) childhood, he wasn't really around a whole lot.  

I once drew a family picture, as kids naturally do, and it had me, my mum, my house and (I think) our family pet.  It didn't have my dad in.  It wasn't a malicious thing (obviously, I was about 4/5) but I found out in later years that it (understandably) really stung my dad badly... Out of the mouth of babes and all that.

Growing up, we struggled to connect; I was very sensitive and insular back then and I think he just didn't know quite how to connect to me.  I was very close to my mum who I was similar to in many ways, particularly back then, and they were often at each others' throats, so I guess I was protective of her in the only way I could be back then: by being distant.

Eventually, as I grew into my early and especially late teens, we found ways to connect.  I worked at his business; I grew a little more outgoing and stereotypically 'manly' and he grew, in my eyes at least, a little softer around the edges: we met in the middle.  And then the booze.  

*

My dad loved a drink; he loved the social aspect and he thrived in a pub.  He began to invite me down there periodically as I hit late 17 and by the time I was 19 or so we'd often go to the pub; and increasingly often it was me asking him, rather than the other way around!  It was our way of connecting.  He never really opened up to me all that much at home (and vice versa), but at a pub, it was different.  It wasn't even the booze really... it was more psychological I think.  It was his 'safe space' I guess and over time, it became mine too, when I was with him.  He used to regale me with crazy stories from his past (again, for another blog, perhaps) which would often physically make my draw drop; meanwhile, I would be able to talk to him more openly than I otherwise would have about the comings and goings of my life.  I know that my mum felt, certainly at the time at least, that my dad kind of 'took me away from her' during this time and it does hurt to think this, but I guess in some ways, it was true at the time.  Not intentionally, but by forming a stronger bond with my dad, I did inadvertently loosen the chain with my mum, at least for a while. 

My dad and I continued the pub run for many years; we became closer outside of the pub too, and for all of that, I am very grateful.  

And then Covid hit and everything went strange.  In late February 2020, we went to the lake district for my sister Hannah's (secret!!) 30th birthday celebrations.  We all stayed in a cottage.  We drank copiously and ate great food; we had a Harry Potter themed party; we celebrated and appreciated and loved one another as a family would and should.  And it was fucking great.  Little did we know that it would be one of the very last times we would all do that together as a family.  

As you know, just a few weeks later Covid swept into the UK and everything went batshit crazy (pun not intended but I'm keeping it anyway).

The second - Christmas (2020) - lockdown hit the hardest.  The first one was ok - 'we can get through this' - the second one seemed just cruel.  Work (at a school) had been unbearably tough with all of the Covid restrictions and changes (back in school but in bubbles, etc) and the only light at the end of the tunnel was the thought of everyone being able to meet up for Christmas.  As the saying goes, the light at the end of the tunnel is often just the oncoming train'- and fuck me, was this true.  London was locking down and potentially trapping my youngest sister Caitlin there... then there was Boris.  Boris, with his fat, lying, hypocritical face telling the country that Christmas was essentially going to be cancelled...  

I had seen my dad cry maybe three times in his life and this was one of them, as we Zoom-called post-Boris to discuss Christmas plans and ultimately accepted that they simply couldn't happen.  

Looking back, was my dad really upset about that Christmas, or did he know more even then?  Did he sense he wasn't well?  I'll never truly know, but I suspect he felt that he might not have another Christmas.  That really does hurt thinking about it.

*

My dad was officially diagnosed with cancer at the end of May 2021; he died just nine weeks later, on August 1st.  He died of bowel cancer.  The problem with bowel cancer is that often the obvious signs of it do not show up until it is already in its late stages, by which time the cancer's already travelled throughout the body and you're in Stage 4.  As I've said before, I think my dad knew a lot more than he ever really let on, either literally by a prognosis or simply through his own intuition.  I get a sense that he knew time was drawing in on him.

It's ironic because I always used to worry about his health growing up.  He was a heavy smoker and heavy drinker; he loved his food and his salt; he rarely exercised and he generally lived without caution to the breeze.  I remember him saying to my mum (or anyone in a similar situation who might be berating him about a certain life choice), 'Listen - scientists have proven you can get cancer from lettuce anyway, so who cares...'  I also always remember him saying, 'three score and ten, that'll do me' (a score being 20, so three score and ten being 70). He didn't want a long life - 'I don't want to be a vegetable in a home Daniel!', he used to say - he wanted a fulfilling life; a life in which he had no regrets.  

And although he didn't live to reach that 70 milestone, I do believe that by and large, he did live, and die, without regrets. And I do think that's something to be celebrated.

But, as I say, I did always worry about his health: I spent many times in my head driving back from work, imagining I was doing his elegy at his funeral.  Not in a macabre way: I never wanted it to happen.  I just imagined myself doing it; I think it was my way of slowly and almost deliberately conditioning my mind to accept that he wouldn't be around forever, or even for very much longer. 

On August 20th 2021, I did.  I was proud of myself, in an odd way...  I felt like I wrote a good speech that represented him; not just in a smaltsy way, but in a true way: as Clint was.  The wake was beautiful too: so many of us said, 'dad / Clint would've loved this'.  The final irony, but it was true: a good old fashioned knees up; a celebrated of old times and everything dad would have loved.  I know he was there in spirit.

I do feel robbed of that year or so during Covid.  I feel bitter and angry that we didn't get to spend more time together as a family.  I would have loved to have gone with a number of pints with him down the pub and catch up in that way too.  I feel robbed and bereft by it but I know I can't change it and to wish for otherwise is to time travel.  We can only ever move forward in this world, step by step.  We can revisit the past in our minds, but reality marches onwards.  All we can ever do is step tentatively forward, putting the best version of our foot and out intentions forward, in the hope that it gets us a little bit closer to the future that we want.

*

In July of this year, my family and I flew to Spain to scatter my dad's ashes.  Dad, always being someone that loved an adventure, loved a family holiday and loved to celebrate life, brought us together for a final adventure. Just like his wake, the holiday was littered with bitter irony in that all he'd wanted, for so long, was us all to go on a holiday together as a family, like we used to when my sisters and I were kids.  And he'd finally done it, albeit without him.  His presence was very much missed; but also, very much felt too.  He was such a big, dominating personality in life that to do anything without him was always going to take a bit of time to adjust.

We managed to find the Torrecilla beach / sea he wanted his ashes to be scattered in.  This was where his own dad's ashes had been scattered, and where his mum's ashes will be scattered too - so very symbolic and loaded with meaning.  The process was sad but not unbearable; I think I speak for the rest of my family when I say that it was a cathartic and ultimately celebratory process, rather than it being a dour, melancholy affair, which it obviously could have been.  It felt good to make true his final wishes, as it were.  And just besides the beach was an ornate brick column with 'Spain, Italy, England' on, which resonated profoundly as the other two thirds off his ashes will be scattered in Italy and England respectively.

Afterwards, we went to an Italian restaurant not far from the centre of Nerja.  Unbelievably, they sold both Spaghetti Gorgonzola (a favourite of my dad's; one he would often cook and a dish you could, ironically, rarely find on any Italian dish anywhere) and Amoroni wine... an absolute favourite of my dad's and the last bottle of wine I ever bought him (for last year's Father's Day).  We had two bottles.  The pasta, wine and the stories flowed and it felt... good.  A lot of resolution was had.

*

As I approach the day my father died, one year ago, it's still hard to fathom how much has changed in such a relatively short period of time.  But here we are.  I feel at peace with the process, I guess, but I just miss him, as a person.  It is incredibly hard, as a human, to truly comprehend the idea of never seeing or speaking to someone again.  I do see and speak to him in dreams sometimes, and this is beautifully comforting to be honest.  Often, in my dreams, I say something like, 'Ah, you're back to how you were..!', smile; we chat and and the dream just carries on, as if it was a snapshot from the past or even present.  I know that it won't ever be the same again like this, but I'm ok with that, by and large.  

I guess, I'd just like to have one last party; one last family gathering; and yes - one last pint - with the old man.  

But then, I suppose, that would just be greedy.    

So I'll toast, emphatically, to his life instead x

**

As it Was - Harry Styles

Holdin' me back
Gravity's holdin' me back
I want you to hold out the palm of your hand
Why don't we leave it at that?
Nothin' to say
When everything gets in the way
Seems you cannot be replaced
And I'm the one who will stay, oh

In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it's not the same

Answer the phone
"Harry, you're no good alone
Why are you sittin' at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?"
Ringin' the bell
And nobody's comin' to help
Your daddy lives by himself
He just wants to know that you're well, oh

In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it's not the same

As it was
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was

**This song resonates profoundly at the the minute for me.  The lyrics speak for themselves.  Ironically, I actually worked for Anne Styles (Harry's mum) at a bar (The Antrobus Arms), which was a pub my dad also used to drink at, just down the road from his work.**

Dan

Cryptoverse - Pt1

Over the past three years, I've been periodically dipping my financial toe into the choppy waters of cryptocurrency, to the point that I actually vaguely know what I'm talking about at this stage (full disclaimer: this blog is for information only - I am not your financial adviser and I am not offering financial advice! Yada yada).

So, in a break from my running escapades, this blog's going to be a breakdown on the cryptocurrency basics. Let's dive in.

What is a cryptocurrency?

Cryptocurrency, usually referred to simply as Crypto, is a digital currency or asset.  

Put simply: it is a given store of value (in the same way that traditional 'paper' money or 'fiat' is), however rather than it being a physical asset such gold, silver, bond, piece of paper denoting value etc, it is non physical, i.e. it is entirely digital, stored on what's known as the blockchain.  More on that in a bit.

To take it back a step, Cryptography comes from the ancient Greek 'kryptos' (hidden/secret) and 'graphene' (to write/study): it is using code, which needs to be deciphered, to store messages and meanings.  

Thus, when we look at the idea of cryptocurrency, we are looking at: 1) the message and meaning here being stored value (currency) in a 2) cryptographic manner, i.e. scrambled through code and needing to be re-deciphered.

I hope that makes some sense so far - it's difficult to explain and the word crypto itself is annoying me at this stage because its a real bugger to spell correctly each time.  Anyway...

The term 'blockchain' refers to the method in which cryptocurrency (such as Bitcoin) is securely transacted.

I am not going to get into specifics here as that really is deep into the rabbit hole and frankly I don't have anywhere near enough know-how to adequately explain it.  Suffice to say so that it refers to the method of how the crypto is stored and exchanged: i.e. a chain of digital blocks is created each time; these cannot be retrospectively altered, so in effect they securely log every single transaction takes place over time. 

What is Bitcoin?  Why are people interested in it?  Isn't it a scam?

Bitcoin was the first cryptocurrency ever created. It is a 'coin' (currency) that is entirely digital, so therefore made up of data 'bits': Bitcoin.  It was invented by someone pseudonominously named 'Satoshi Nakamoto' in 2009, as a direct reaction to the financial crisis of 2008.  Satoshi's vision was to create a monetary system that was entirely decoupled from a traditional, centralised financial system (i.e. no banks).  

This is the reason that Bitcoin is referred to as a decentralised asset: the asset itself is not stored in one central place and then distributed (such as, crudely, a bank with it's millions locked away in its vaults, which are then centrally distributed to customers); rather, the asset is stored remotely across the entire network of people owning and trading it - in this way, there is no 'third' party here.

Why is this important?  Well, let's just *suppose* that a bank gets into financial difficulty (think 2008) and eventually collapses (government doesn't bail it out in this example).  What's happened to your money?  It's gone.  It was stored centrally by the bank; the bank no longer exists; 'your' money is no longer yours.  

This cannot happen with a decentralised asset such as Bitcoin, because there is no centralised bank: it is distributed and stored by everyone interacting with it, through the cryptographically-secure blockchain.

So Bitcoin is essentially a two-fingered salute at the banking system?  So what?  Well - partly this is true.  Proponents of Bitcoin see the decentralised aspect as one of it's key draws. However, this isn't it's only benefit.  Most significantly, it is becoming seen as a genuine hedge against 'fiat' (traditional currency) devaluation.

Over time, fiat currencies naturally succumb to devaluation: put simply, as more physical money is printed by successive governments (sometimes euphemistically known as 'quantative easing') the overall purchasing power of that currency naturally decreases over time: the more there is of something, the less it is worth.  

This is why £10 forty years ago would have comfortably bought you several rounds in a London pub with some change to spare, whereas now it'd get you a single pint and a packet of crisps if you were damn lucky.  

When it comes to long-term saving, this is a big problem.  Not only are interest rates historically low at the minute (0.1%), the intrinsic value of the £ is also decreasing over time.  

So, (and this is crudely; I know it is more complicated that this), if you had £10,000 and put it in the bank at base interest rates today, it would make a paltry £100 in one year.  Over a period of ten years, you've turned your £10,000 into just £11,000 (assuming no changes to rates).  

However, remember that you also have ten years' worth of currency devaluation during this time (more money has been printed), so that £11,000 is probably actually worth less now than when you started in real terms (actual purchasing power).

One final aspect of Bitcoin is that not only is it a decentralised asset, and not only is it a hedge against inflationary fiat currency (as explained above), but perhaps most importantly, Bitcoin itself is a deflationary asset.

So, what does this mean?  When Bitcoin was created, only 21 million were made.  There cannot be any more Bitcoin ever beyond the 21 million (the correct term here is to 'mine' - the term used to describe those who release the cryptographic bitcoin from the network to be distributed).  This means, of course, that there is a limited, finite supply, in just the same way as gold; this is the reason why Bitcoin is often referred to as 'digital gold'.  On top of this, the amount that is able to be mined (released) is halved every four years.  This is supply and demand 101: not only is Bitcoin a finite digital asset, the amount that can actually be owned by anyone is itself halved every four years.  To use the crude gold analogy:

Imagine there is a limited supply of Gold (there is).  This gold is not stored in one place (like a bank); rather, it is of course stored across the world (decentralised, like Bitcoin). 

Miners (see where the crypto term comes from now) mine the gold and then sell it to consumers - HOWEVER - the amount of gold, in this example, that can be mined is reduced by half every four years - so it becomes increasingly harder to mine and increasingly scarce to own.  Stock to flow ratio dictates that the given asset (in this case Bitcoin) will go up in value over time.

This is the reason that Bitcoin was worth $0.0008 in 2010 and currently sits at $56,228 as of writing this.

So, is Bitcoin a scam?  Is it a 'ponzi' scheme (think of those pyramid letter schemes)?  

No; hopefully I have illustrated above that it is absolutely neither of these things: rather, it is the evolution of money, from the physical to the digital.  In 50 years' time, the economic system across the world will look very, very different.

To sum up:

• Cryptocurrency is a digital, cryptographic store of value.
• Bitcoin is one such crypto, created in 2008.
• Bitcoin is a decentralised store of value, distributed on the blockchain
• Bitcoin is finite (21 million) and the amount released (mined) is halved every four years
• In this sense, Bitcoin can be seen as a deflationary asset and a hedge against the inflationary fiat currency system
• Due to the above factors, the value of Bitcoin rises exponentially every four years

There is a lot, lot more to cryptos as you might expect - this has scratched the surface really.  

I hope I've at least sparked your interest.  In part 2, we'll dive into understanding Bitcoin's price trajectory in more detail and consider the world of 'alt'-coins. 

Sill running? Definitely, Maybe.

A new discography has been broached my friends... enter the era of Oasis.

Genuinely excited by this one.  Muse was always going to be a bit hit and miss to run to by their very nature (whiny paranoia / angry bastards) whereas Oasis pretty much just solidly rock out.  Or do they?  I mean, my knowledge of them is staked fairly firmly in the mid '90s-early-2000s era (first three albums plus [of course] The Masterplan); after that, things get a little more sonically... hazy. 

I'm vaguely aware of sporadic singles after that... 'The Importance of Being Idle' and 'Songbird' spring to mind (from around 2003/4 I think - I seem to remember a surprisingly earnest Liam crooning his heart out on the TV whilst I was sat, pint in hand, in the Uni's on site bar - the amazingly named 'The Library').  

However, I don't think I've actually listened to an entire album by Oasis since the Be Here Now / The Masterplan era.  I've heard a lot of chatter about diminishing returns but I obviously can't comment yet...  I guess we'll see.

Total albums to run to: 7 officially. 

Total of albums I am going to run to: 8!  The Masterplan is not being missed off this list, even if it isn't officially a studio album.  Hey - my rules.

Album 1: Definitely, Maybe

As I've already outlined, I am unapologetically-biased towards Oasis' early stuff and I was looking forward to running to this well ahead of actually getting on the treadmill.  

What's the Story... is quite clearly a more considered, polished effort, however it's the rawness of Definitely, Maybe that's it's best asset.  Liam swaggers and snarls for 50 minutes solid of good old-fashioned rock, making the run pretty much a breeze.  

I say pretty much, because (confession time) I really don't like Slide Away (just lock me up in Sacrilege Towers, I know); I never have liked it and having to run to it, 45 minutes in and knackered, whilst Liam chews and spits the phrase 'sllllllliiiiiideee awayyyyyyy' repeatedly into my face for what feels like a lifetime is... less fun.  

Luckily I'm a forgiving kind of a guy.

Runner's rating (/5): RRRR

Running time: 52 minutes
Distance: 6.8km
Calories: 537

Favourite track: Columbia. Hands down.

Worst tracks: Shakermaker (boring) Slide Away (irritating).

Fun fact: I was on the cusp of being too young (10 going on 11) to appreciate this when it was first released in August 1994.  However, the album brings back great memories from the summer of 2007.  

Random, I know... the reason being that I had not long moved to Leicester at the time to begin my teacher training in September of that year.  In the interim, I got a job at Joules Clothing (customer service and data input) in Corby, which I appreciate sounds about as much fun as a hot black coffee enema, however it was genuinely a good time; full of opportunities waiting just around the corner.  

I distinctly remember finishing work on a Friday, driving home (ex wife's parents house at the time) in my Renault Clio (my very first car...weep), windows wound down, 'Columbia' blaring out of the speakers (plus, the album was on CASSETTE).  I almost get goose bumps thinking about it now.

Album 2: (What's the Story) Morning Glory

This is a truly great album. Re-listening in 2021, I can see why it really cemented Oasis' reputation as one of Britain's best bands at the time, and for a number of years afterwards.  

If Definitely, Maybe is the Bells whiskey of the collection, Morning Glory is the single-malt Glenlivet; similar base flavour, but a far more refined approach.  Fetch me the ice bucket, Jeeves!  

Every track is either literally a single or good enough to be one.  Even Liam's voice is better on this album.  In short, it's just bloody brilliant and as such my run was a breeze too.  You know it's a good album when you barely focus on the run at all and could actually go a further distance just to keep listening.  Top drawer.

Runner's rating (/5): RRRRR.  Yes - well spotted - that's the first full 5 R rating I've given.

Running time: 51 minutes
Distance: 7.1km
Calories: 550

Favourite track: Morning Glory.  They're pretty much all great though.

Worst track: Untitled 1 and Untiled 2 - they bring nothing to the party.

Fun fact: Released a year after Definitely, Maybe, I was just beginning to get into music at this point. I seem to vaguely remember buying this from Woolworths' CD aisle in St Neots, Cambridge where I lived at the time.  Pretty canny edition to the early Dan Thomas collection.  Before you think too highly of me though, I am duly bound to point out that the first piece of music I ever physically bought (single or album) was...

....wait for it...

'Where's the Love'.  

By Hanson.

I'll just leave this here:

Sorry.

Stimulation Theory

Well, here we are; I've actually completed the Muse discography.  

To be totally honest, I actually completed it exactly one week ago, however work and life in general has been that busy this week that I simply haven't found time to write about it until now.  Either that, or I'm just a lazy, no-good bum.  You be the judge.

Anyway, some quick reviews before I get on to the stats and some final thoughts on my Muse adventure. 

Album 7 - Drones

Holy shit, I did not see this one coming.  After quite a number of generally mixed-bag, overall lackluster efforts (really since Blackholes, to be honest), this was, ironically, quite the Revelation.  Bloody great album!  What makes it great is that it's big, fat and noisy in the best possible way. It's not the early Showbiz barbed-wire dirge, nor the latter Resistance syrup of pretentiousness; it's bold, catchy and frankly - it rocks.  Plus, it's actually consistent. I enjoyed 80% of this album I'd say; easily the most since Absolution. Plus 'Reapers' is just hardcore amazing - my favourite Muse song of their entire collection and one I actually hadn't heard of at all until running to Drones.  Loved running to this album and I've listened to it several times since.

Running time: 53 minutes
Distance: 7.1km
Calories: 557 

R Rating: RRRRr

Fun fact: Released in June 2015, the year I officially became a homeowner.  Whoop!

Album 8 - Simulation Theory

Not as good as Drones, but not bad.  It's still pretty catchy; less rock, more poppy synths layered throughout, but it's decent.  Some decent tunes throughout and not too bad to run to overall.  At 47 minutes, it's actually comfortably the shortest running time of all their albums, which was very well received for a final Muse run-off!

Running time: 47 minutes
Distance: 6km
Calories: 473

R rating: RRRr

Fun fact: Released on 9th November 2018, the actual day of my (35th) birthday and the day I could no longer kid myself I was in my 'early' thirties!

FINAL MUSE STATS AND THOUGHTS:

Top five Muse songs:

1) Knights of Cydonia 

2) Reapers

3) Hysteria

4) Unnatural Selection

5) Pressure

Top album: Absolution 

(Followed by closely by Drones, then Origin and Blackholes and Revelations)

Worst album:  The Resistance.  By far.

Running Stats:

Total running time: 427 minutes (7.1 hours)

Total distance covered: 55.2km / 34.3 miles
Total calories burnt: 4, 344

Here's the kicker though... 

Total pounds lost: 0

Yes, dearest reader, you read that right. ZERO F---------- POUNDS.  How is this even scientifically possible??

To say that I was a little sore about this at the time would be a *slight* understatement (if I'd had a sledgehammer at the time the scales would literally have been obliterated), but hey - I'm over it.  

I always said that undertaking this challenge wasn't about losing weight per se and that I have always been thrown off my focus in the past when this happens.  So I'm not going to let it throw me off this time... onwards I march (run).  Besides which, losing weight and becoming a bit more healthy is a process, not an event.  

In just the same way that you don't simply wake up one day being massively overweight, having a an all-consuming addiction, phobia or anxiety - it slowly builds as imperceptive layers over time - so too for losing weight or becoming fitter, stronger, happier.  

Keep on keeping on, as Curtis Mayfield might say.

Resisting the 2nd Law

Well, two more runs down and two more Muse albums under my belt.  With only two more to go to complete the Muse studio album discography this is feeling like a challenge I can realistically complete in the short term and continue to keep up the momentum going forward.

Really, this is just a form of gamification: using the intrinsic elements of a computer game (completing missions; levelling up; bonus points, etc) - something that companies and even education has cottoned on to in the last few years because it combines a short term sense of achievement, together with an over arching longer-term vision and goal.  Powerful stuff! 

Anyway, it appears to be working as I've ran far more so far doing this, and for consistently longer times: in the past, I would run for maybe 5km, once or twice a week (three if feeling particularly energised); with this, I've regularly run 6 - 7km, 3 - 4 times a week. 

Onto the album reviews and mileage updates:

Album 5: The Resistance

I am hoping this is the nadir of the collection and that everything picks up from here.  Bloody awful.  Ok - from a musical standpoint, I can see that they're trying to do something different here and I can applaud them for that at least (a slow-hand, sarcastic clap realistically).  And yes, the songs are more varied across the album than previous efforts, at least for the first half.

However, from a running point of view, it's a terrible album.  I am willing to pay a sizeable sum of money that says that Matt B bought himself a grand piano for Christmas that year.  It reminds me of when Artic Monkeys did the same thing in their last 'effort'... a total moon-shot away from their original sound, and worse of all, just plain boring and self indulgent.

It didn't help that the last three tracks were essentially one long classical suite... I'm not sure if you've ever attempted to run to classical music, but assuming you haven't (because surely you're not that stupid), the indulgent sweeping sounds of classical piano for well over the last 12 minutes of your run is less than ideal, shall we say.  It's a shame because 'Unnatural Selection' is unashamedly brilliant (well, the first four minutes of it anyway) and makes you feel like you can genuinely take on the world whilst listening to it... probably one of my favourite Muse songs.  

But yeah, the album was patchy as a whole, a swamp of self indulgent piano nonsense and just pretty terrible to run to.

R rating: RR

Running time: 56 minutes
Distance: 7.3km
Calories: 571 

Fun fact: Released in September 2009, I was just beginning my second year as a teacher.

Album 6: The 2nd Law

Not much to say about this album...  It was ok.  To be honest, I wasn't really in the mood to run so that didn't exactly help my enjoyment of it.  I was hoping that it'd be an absolutely barnstormer of an album that would give me some much need energy to take on the run, but sadly it wasn't to be.  

I have to say, I preferred it to The Resistance, but then again I would have preferred running to an hour's collection of screaming cats than that again, so not really much to shout about. At least they did away with the grand piano tinkerings this time, plus the last three songs were actually pretty good and I ended the run on a high, so kudos for that.

R rating: RRR

Running time: 53 minutes

Distance: 6.9km
Calories: 543

Fun fact: The 2nd Law of course refers to the 2nd law of thermodynamics - the concept of entropy or how the universe naturally tends towards chaos over time - from a highly ordered state to a completely disordered one.  Particularly apt when reflecting on one's lifestyle choices! 

Heading down the Blackhole

Album 4: Blackholes and Revelations

Album four has arrived, meaning I'm halfway through my first running discography.  The album title's pretty apt here as I am now irreversibly sucked into blackhole of exercise at this point; however there are little revelations for me as this is probably the Muse album I am most familiar with.  

It's a great album.  I mean, who doesn't like enjoy a good old fashioned rock space opera?  There's a lot of great tracks on here, but most importantly, its style twists and turns throughout, so there's little chance of getting bored at any point (I refer you back to 'Showbiz').  Hoodoo was as close as I got - it's just plain dreary to be honest, especially when 40+ minutes into a run - however the infamous Knights of Cydonia kicks in straight after, which more than makes up for this.  I'd go as far to say that Knights is one of my top Muse tracks - I know it's overblown, but my god, it fucking rocks.  It's perfect to run to and gives you a serious shot of energy towards the final part of your run. 

Runner's rating: RRRR

Running time: 52 minutes
Distance: 6.7km
Calories: 528

Fun fact: Blackholes and Revelations was released in July 2006. At the time, I'd just finished uni and had travelled back to Thailand (where I'd previously stopped in 2002; staying with a host family and teaching English at the tender age of 19!) and then onto Australia.  I have strong memories of listening to the album repeatedly during my stint in Sydney during this time - a great time, but a strange time too as it was just me, myself and I for pretty much the entire six week period.  

Even so, I learnt to surf (with varied success - I did have to be rescued from being swept into the rocks once; plus another time I got stung by a jellyfish.  In fact, in retrospect it wasn't really that successful at all, was it?!) I also scaled the Sydney Harbour Bridge and went to not one, but two Neighbours events - meeting the legendary Toadfish Rebecci and Paul Robinson from Neighbours.  

Top of the world! Well, top of Sydney Harbour Bridge at least.

What a legend.  And Toadfish Rebecci too, of course.

I asked him to pose like this, honest! 

Fun times!

Running Time

Whilst running at the start of this week and listening to a random Muse album, I hit upon an idea that resonated with me - why don't I run for the whole album?  Shake things up a bit.  Force me to run past 5km.  And as I was completing the last couple of songs, another - why don't I keep doing this?  Why don't I run another full Muse album tomorrow. 

Wait - why don't I run for each and every Muse album - in chronological order?

And so the idea was borne - simply run for the duration of each album over the course of their back catalogue; record weight stats at the beginning and end of each completed discography and measure my progress that way. 

Specifically, the rules of 'Running Time' are:

1) You must start with the first (studio) album of a given band

2) You must run for the full duration of each album

3) No skipping of songs allowed whatsoever

4) You must run all albums in sequential order, from first to last

5) You must measure and record your stats at the first album and then again at the last album

5) Rinse and repeat.

In a bid to get this blog up to date, here's my progress so far:

Chosen Artist: Muse

Total number of studio albums: 8

Album 1: Absolution 

Okay - this is not their first album.  Cheat! I have broken my rules already!  Doesn't count though, because I hadn't come up with the idea yet when I first started running to this, see?

Nevertheless, a great album, and one I'm keenly familiar with.  Released in 2003 and the year I went to Uni, I can still recall 'Time is Running Out' thumping through the speakers in our halls of residence common-room as we were all getting ready for a wild night out at the Delph (the uni's original on-site bar and club) - god, what a time to be alive!  Genuinely some of the fondest memories I have were in that first year of uni.

Anyway, post-run, weight, BMI and body fat stats recorded (sorry - they will remain redacted for the moment until I have lost enough to be able to publish them!).  

Running time: 59 Minutes
Distance: 7.3km
Calories: 583

Runners' rating (/5) RRRR

Album 2: Showbiz (actual first album)

I've never listened to this album at all before, although obviously I'd heard Muscle Museum several times before.  After listening to it for my second run, I was beginning to wish that someone had actually invented one of those Men in Black memory wipes for your ears.  No other way to put it: it was shite.  Weirdly like a poor-man's Placebo, but with none of their allure.  It genuinely put me off my run in places, to the point that I was actually shouting obscenities at the treadmill speakers  just to make me feel better.  

Muscle Museum and Sober were good but the rest was forgettable dirge.

Running time: 54 mins
Distance: 6.8km
Calories: 534 calories

Runner's rating: r (lower case deliberately as it only deserves half an 'R' at best!)

Album 3: Origin of Symmetry

Again, aside from the well known tracks on here (Plug in Baby and Feeling Good), I'd never actually listened to the full album before. On the back of their previous effort, my expectations were lower than Walter White's morals at this point, but thankfully these were very swiftly forgotten... Origin is a great album!  The first track (New Born) was instantly energising and as the tracks continued, I realised that not only was I enjoying the album, I was enjoying the run... it was easy.  Exactly what the whole of this idea was about in the first place!  I would say that the first half is better than the second, which is patchy, and again (in a 'no shit, Sherlock' revelation), Matt Bellamy is a tad SHOUTY at times.  

Nevertheless, a revelation and an album I would happily re listen to multiple times.

Fun fact: This was released in July 2001.  I was 17, about to start college, and the Twin Towers attack was just a couple of months away.  What a lifetime ago now.

Running time: 55 mins
Distance: 7km
Calories: 555 calories

Runner's rating: RRR

Right, on to Blackholes and Revelations (skipping Absolution as I've already covered that) for the next run.  See you then.

Weighting for a Change

I'm fat.  No hyperbole here (which I may be guilty of at times... I am an English teacher after all).  No - on all measurements on my scales, I am overweight.  The top three categories (weight, BMI, body fat) all say 'Too High'.  Not even just 'high', which would still be a kick between the legs.  No - too high. Bloody Bastard scales.

Honestly though, I have only myself to blame (that and lockdown; I think I can legitimately blame lockdown). Although I have cared as I've incrementally put on the pounds over the past couple of years, the truth is that I simply haven't cared enough to make a proper change.  It can be quite hard to care, in all honesty, when you're a dad; work is full-on, lockdown is back in action; yada yada.  Excuses - valid and genuine excuses, but excuses none the less.

Up until I was around 19, I was skinny; underweight if anything.  Here's a picture of me on a family holiday when I was around 15 I think... not only is there nothing on me, I appear to be channeling the aesthetic qualities of Ibiza Kids Club circa 1997.  Just awful.  However, it does illustrate the point that weight was once never an issue for me.   

19 is legitimately where it all started to go wrong.  I was lucky enough to spend a whole month with my family on holiday in Spain in July - August of that year (my nan owned a villa out there at the time).  Great for my tan, not so great on my waistline.  Before then, I'd been hovering from around 9 / 10 stone for most of my teenage years.  After the holiday, I estimate I was around 12 stone.  Oops. Then, in September of that year, I went off to the University of Lincoln.  Let's just say that freshers excesses were not kind to me either, and by the end of my first year, I was weighing in at around 13 and a half stone.  Luckily, the actual realities of university kicked in during Y2 and Y3 (read: no money), so I was able to slim down to around 11 and a half to 12 stone again.

From leaving Uni in 2006 (aged 23) to around 2017 (aged 34) my weight rollercoastered from low 11s to high 13s, down and up; round and round again.  Stop the ride mum - I wanna get off!  

The problem is, I can lose weight when I need to, I just struggle to maintain it.  I always end up reverting back to convenience and instant gratification and away from long-term changes.  Ironically, usually the catalyst is when I weigh myself and I haven't lost 'enough' weight compared with my mental expectations of how 'hard' I've been working.  So I proverbially stick two fingers up at the 'diet' / regime and then fail to get back on again before its too late.  Every. Damn. Time.

Since 2017 when I got married and was actually fairly slim, I've incrementally put on the pounds again, meaning that in the last few years, if I managed to get under 14 stone, I'd see that as a win.  How far the mighty fall!  

I remember last August, on the day we moved into our new house, feeling genuinely disgusting - visibly overweight, tired and just frankly unhealthy.  It didn't help, by any degree, that it was literally one of the hottest days of the year that day, I had a hangover from the flames of Satan and I was forced, by virtue of moving house, to lug approximately 1 billion heavy objects up, down, in and out for literally about six hours straight.  But still, a particular nadir.

Fast forward to now and I have lost some weight since then (8 or 9 pounds at a guess), however I am still way above any reasonable target weight.  All of this being a very long and rambling way of saying that I have decided enough really is enough.  The gloves are off and the (large) joggers are back on.

In the next blog, I'll outline the rules of the game and my progress so far.

Dan

Back in the (writing) Game

I've had this blog since 2009, something in itself that I find absolutely crackers.  My writing in it has been...sporadic at best.  A handful of musings, writings, poems and reflections scattered across a cluster of years.  Some I'm proud of; some I'd rather forget.  But they're all there, dear reader, should you wish to read them.  I won't stop you.

However, the time has come to get back into some form of regular writing.  I mean, just like 'traveler'; 'writer' only warrants the noun form if the verb form has regularly proceeded, right?  In other words, you can't call yourself a writer or traveler or whatever if you did it once but don't do it anymore.  The word shouldn't be a trophy gathering dust, it should be a living; breathing entity.  

I digress.  The point is, I am going to be writing more and aiming to update this blog regularly.  Or at least, more regularly than once every two years, if my past performance is anything to go by.  To be honest, blogs are odd entities, really: they are at once deeply personal and uncompromisingly open - they invite a certain vulnerability on all sides.  Probably the reason I'm so damn useless at updating it.

So to start off, I'll be writing about my new fitness venture and progress with that.  A chance to give me some accountability, share my progress and my various thoughts on the albums I listen to along the way.  

I've written several short children's stories in the past, as well as the beginning of a more adult short story (no - not that type!), so if I'm feeling brave I might upload those on here too.  I've also dipped my toe into the curious world of crypto in the last couple of years, so I might occasionally write about that too.  

If none of those things float your boat then don't read on.  

If they do - great - I guess I'll see you in the next update.

Bon!

Turbulence ahead: put your oxygen mask on first

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight ‘AUT-1’. As your Captain, I’m pleased to announce that we’ve successfully taken-off and are now making our initial ascent. Please be aware that some turbulence may be ahead - do fasten your seat belts as we could be in for a bumpy ride. Remember – in case of an emergency, the oxygen masks will drop down: for safety reasons, please ensure to put your own mask on before helping others.”

Just like those in-fight warnings, whilst putting yourself before others in difficult situations might seem counter-intuitive, it’s absolutely essential if you’re to survive and indeed thrive long-term in the teaching profession.  Teaching is often fraught with a degree of stress and anxiety – it’s what compels us to strive for the best outcomes for our learners; day in, day out. 

Recognising Stress

Ironically, recognising and identifying your own stress levels can often be the hardest part.  We’re all-too-eager to pop down empty platitudes of our own making – swallowing mantras like, ‘it’s just a busy time of year’; I’m fine – I’ve just had a bad day,’ or ‘It’ll get better once X is done,’ to name but a few.  Often, it seems like we’re one perilous line away from the ‘I must work harder’ maxim of Animal Farm’s work-horse Boxer.  However, the simple truth is that whilst short-term pressures and stressors are an indelible part of the profession, perpetual and long-term stress and anxiety certainly should not be.

The Yerbes-Dodson stress curve illustrates this perfectly – once stress tips over from its (useful) ‘optimum’ balance, we swiftly enter a dangerous territory.  Stress then rapidly becomes harder to tip back into the ‘safe’ zone and – if we’re not extremely careful – can often take over and plummet us deep into overwhelming feelings of overload and ultimately burn-out. 

You only need Google ‘teachers leave the profession’ for several thousand case studies of this.

The key issue here is that that whilst we’re all too keenly aware of the stress factors and overall mental wellbeing placed on our young learners, we often seem wilfully-ignorant of it in ourselves.  It’s as if we deliberately turn a blind eye to our own tragic flaws as professionals – wanting to do the very best by our learners and never letting anyone down – and then we’re shocked when it brings us perilously close towards the knife-edge of burnout.

The brain waves goodbye to stress

You might - or might not - already know that the human mind has five distinct brainwave patterns.  If you’re unfamiliar, think of brainwaves as different frequencies of thought; from rapid to slow.  Here, understanding a beta and alpha waves in particular - and identifying these within yourself - are key to identifying and combating work-related stress.

Beta brainwaves occur in the brain when we’re in an alert, conscious state of being: it’s our natural state when fully awake and functioning.  Sounds fine, right?  As a general rule - yes; however, extended and periods in this state can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety and consequently inability to relax. 

Your inability to ‘switch off’ wherever you are?  High beta.  Losing your sense of humour and constantly feeling stressed? High beta.  Not being able to sleep because you’re constantly churning out thoughts?  High beta. 

You get the idea.

The truth is that whilst the alert-focused-problem-solving-reasoning aspect of the beta brain might seem useful, over an extended period of time, it can be extremely detrimental to our mental wellbeing.  Think of it as a computer with one too many multi-tasking tabs open at once: the CPU fan whirrs exhaustedly in a desperate attempt to slow and cool the wholdarn thing down.  Eventually, if the user takes no notice, the whole system just unexpectedly shuts down: Fatal Error.  Alpha brainwaves, on the other hand, occur when you close your eyes, breathe and relax for a moment.  Literally - your brain and its thoughts slow down; continue this for long enough and you’ll slow your brainwaves down enough enter into a more meditative state and its accompanying theta frequency.

Training yourself to be consciously aware of how you’re feeling in relation to the stress-curve, or indeed considering what brainwave frequency you’re likely in might seem unnecessary or indeed trivial when you’re slap-bang in the middle of a crisis at work (however objectively big or small it might be), but it can often be a first and vital step in quickly addressing an underlying issue.  Only then can you quickly resolve the underlying issue in your own mind before the outer situation escalates itself unnecessarily.

Ways to quickly de-stress at work:

•          Exercise: No one’s suggesting that you have to run a half-marathon at school.  Simply walking at a moderate-to-brisk rate in your spare time at work will instantly reduce overall feelings of stress.

•         JOM-TYS: Just One Minute To YourSelf! Find a space where no one can disturb you.  Close your eyes and count your breaths for a minute (alpha brainwaves, here we come).

•          Talk: Establishing a network of people you can genuinely talk to, without fear of judgement or repercussion is absolutely sacrosanct to your wellbeing at work.  Line Manager, colleague, friend, SLT – it doesn’t matter so long as you feel comfortable and you TALK.
  

Long-term strategies for well-being:

•          Become expert at recognising and identifying your individual stressors and triggers at work – and do something about them;

•          Plan your wellbeing activities into your weekly calendar (e.g. hitting the gym).  Stick to them whatever happens and make absolutely no excuses about it;

•        Delete your work email app.  It’s too addictive to check, nothing good will ever come of it – and you know it;

•          Always, always talk to your line manager or a member of SLT.  If you honestly feel that you ‘can’t’ then you should seriously consider whether you’re at the right school.

Cabin-crew: prepare for landing:

The truth is that turbulence is absolutely to be expected in this profession and so you should never feel ashamed in asking for support during difficult times. 

You have to recognise when you’re struggling for air and ultimately make the decision put your own oxygen mask on before others - however difficult that might initially feel.

Just remember: those around you once had to put their own oxygen masks on before you too.